Frame is the way you see the world and the amazing thing is that everyone has got a frame.
Imagine looking around you right now through a window frame that you hold in your hands. As you move the frame around, your brain is interpreting the sound, visuals and sensations in ways that are consistent with your intelligence and values. This is what I call your point of view.
Another person can look at the same thing through his own frame, and what he hears and sees may differ-by a little or a lot. The common label given to this is perspective.
BRAIN ON FIRE:
Brain at work , doing what it does best - detecting frames, protecting us from threats, and using dominance and aggression to deflect attacking ideas and information.
Frames are rooted in our survival instincts-and they seek to sustain dominance.
NATURE OF FRAMES:
When frames come together, the first thing they do is collide. The two frames will meet and the stronger frame will dominate. The moment your frame makes contact with the frame of the other person, they clash and collide for dominance. If your frame wins, you will enjoy frame control, where your ideas are accepted and followed by other people. But if your frame loses, you will be at other person's mercy.
When you are talking to anyone and fail to control the social frame, you probably have already lost. All you can do then is fight for survival by talking fast, push-pull, complementing and lot of other equally ineffective and annoying tactics that signal to the girl that you are needy and desperate - and defeated.
Frame control is won or lost even before you start talking to her.
ARE YOU BEING FRAME CONTROLLED?
When you are responding ineffectively to things the other person is saying and doing, that person owns the frame and you're being frame controlled.
If you have to explain your authority, position, power, hustle, leverage, game, and advantages then you do not hold the stronger frame.Rational appeals to higher order, logical thinking never wins frame collisions or gain frame control.
Notice, a policeman doesn't have to pitch you about why he is going to issue a citation for you. He does not need to rationalize with you. He doesn't need to explain you his power, he doesn't need to test a hand on his gun, and he doesn't need to describe to you what will happen if you resist. he doesn't need to explain how critical it is to stay calm and obedient. He doesn't suggest that you have fear and anxiety. Your brain's natural defense mechanism has these reactions to a policeman's frame. You are reacting and your brain's fear center has taken over your body. Your actions are automatic, primal and beyond your grasp.
Same way, every social interaction is a collision of frames, and the stronger frame always wins. Frame collisions are primal. They freeze out the neocortex and brings out the fear center of brain to make decisions and determine actions.
So, a successful interaction depends on your ability to hold your frame. The stronger your frame, the easier it will be for you to break and absorb weak frames.
COMPETITIVE vs COLLABORATIVE FRAME:
As we now know that if your reality(values, principles, integrity, experience and awareness) is strong then it will be easier for you to hold your frame.
But while frame controlling, it's never a you vs her battle. It has to be you and her. You have to create togetherness. The 'Us' Frame.
If you feel like she is dominating the interaction that means you are operating from fear center. You are viewing her and the situation you are in as a threat. You feel like escaping as some fucked up shit may happen.
This my friend is what I call a competitive frame.
As soon as you realize that you are in a competitive frame with her; assume she is already attracted towards you and then behave accordingly.
Let's view two cases to understand realities, principles and frames that a women is experiencing while talking to two different men:-
CASE 1
She: I don’t like your t-shirt,
it’s so ugly. (Testing his frame)
He: No it’s not ugly. My mom
gave it to me and it’s very special to me. (Justifying)
She: Cool. (Lost interest/Frame won)
He: Your dress is also not that
good. (Trying to win his frame back)
She: Thanks for observing. (Frame won again)
He: Why do you have such an ego?
(Reacting to her and seeking value rather
than offering good emotions)
She: Why are you so defensive? (Being genuine and telling him about his
behavior)
He: No, I am not. (Defensive behavior)
She: Well. Just now you turned
defensive. Anyways, nice to meet you! (Rejected)
CASE 2
She: I don’t like your t-shirt,
it’s so ugly (Testing his frame)
He: You are observing me a lot
maybe. (Being responsive instead of
reactive)
She: What do you mean? (Showing interest)
He: Why do you hate me so much? (Leading the frame)
She: I don’t. (She answered him so he is controlling the
interaction now)
He: Cool, I am taking you out
right now. (Being dominant, decisive and
leading)
She: Where? (Amazed)
He: Adventure. (Decisive
and unpredictable. Unpredictability makes women wonder and they like it)
In case 1, the man is not a man
but a reactive kid in disguise. This man is reacting to whatever she is saying.
She doesn’t even have to do anything extra to weed out a man who is not a
lover. Just some statements are enough to understand if a guy is a lover or
provider.
In case 2, the man is a leader
and he is the one who is controlling the flow of interaction. Men always
control the flow. It’s the duty of a man to set the rhythm and being at the
cause of an interaction. He leads the woman by taking her somewhere and when
she asks about where they are going he doesn’t tell the whole plan and lets the
uncertainty do its thing.
QUICK REVIEW:
1) Everyone uses frames whether they realize it or not.
2) Every social interaction brings different frames together.
3) Frames do not coexist at same time and place for long. They run into each other, clash and the stronger frame enjoys frame control.
4) Only one frame survives while the other frames get absorbed by the stronger frame.
5) The winning frame leads the social interaction in any direction it appeals.
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